Random Stream of Consciousness

• Being a grown up sucks sometimes.
• Being a kid wasn't always a picnic, either, and I have to remember that when I deal with my daughter's trials and tribulations. No matter how trivial they seem to me as a grown up.
• I hate feeling used.  It makes me feel like becoming the kind of person I really don't want to be.
• Wedgie free underwear is a lie. A horrible, uncomfortable lie.
• My newest favorite scent is Bath and Body Works Twilight Woods.
• I haven't spend enough time with my girlfriends and hope to remedy that in the very near future.
• Chelsea Handler is hilarious.
• My ice maker has begun making weirdly hollow ice cubes. I know that is probably an indication that there is something wrong with it, but as a habitual ice chewer, I have secretly rejoiced in my new "soft" ice cubes.
• The new Facebook Timeline confuses the hell out of me, but I switched it over because I'd rather feel like it was my choice and not theirs.
• I hate having my picture taken.
• I have 30 pens in a cup on my desk and only use one. Just one.
• I love Vince Guaraldi.
• I have been into WalMart to buy Just Dance for the Wii three times and came out all three times without it because I got distracted and forgot.
• I signed up for Netflix and have yet to see a new movie appear in the list of new releases.
• I hate grocery shopping but somehow end up in the grocery store four times a week or more.
• I love my daughter's new haircut, but she won't let me play with it or style it for her.
• I prefer my water room temperature.
• I think that my brother and sister in law should have at least two more babies.  They make really cute kids.
• I miss my Dad and think about him all the time. Sometimes it makes me cry, but a lot of times I laugh.  
• One of my greatest fears is forgetting the sound of his voice, but I can't bring myself to watch home movies with him in them to remind me.
• The foreclosure next door to us is under contract. I want very badly to tell whoever it is that the house is a pile of moldy shit. Not only because it is the truth, but because I really like having the driveway to ourselves.
• It makes me sad that cursive writing is becoming nearly obsolete, but almost never use it and almost always print.
• I always swallow my gum. Sometimes unconsciously/unintentionally before I am ready. That irritates me because I wasn't done with that piece!
• It amuses me when people put all their dirty laundry out then complain that people are looking at their  drawers.
• Speaking of drawers, it also amuses me that my hubby sews the fly on his boxers closed himself. It is hilarious to see him sitting with my sewing kit, needle, and thread.
• I compulsively chew my cuticles and fingers, but never my nails. I wish I could stop, but have yet to find an effective deterrent.
• I think I'll to start blogging more often. The internet doesn't have quite enough crap yet.

Happy 43rd Anniversary

"Love begins in a moment, grows over time, and lasts for eternity."

I have been incredibly fortunate in my life to have borne witness to what is most likely the greatest love story of my lifetime. Today marks my parent's 43rd wedding anniversary. My parent marriage was truly the most shining example of what the partnership of matrimony should be. Two young people falling in love and nurturing that love into something that blossoms year after year, despite the storms of life.

"True love stories never end."

It has only been seven months since Dad passed away. This is the first time in 48 years that Mom has been without him. I cannot begin to imagine the heaviness of her heart on this day, of them all. But I know that the love they share is truer, stronger and more magnificent than most people could ever even dream about. That kind of love has a buoyancy that rescues a heart from sinking in sorrow.

"I will not love you for the rest of your life, but for the rest of my life."

Yes, I am indeed fortunate to have had front row seats to the greatest love story ever told. There were no epic, sweeping musical numbers, no passionate kisses among crashing waves. Just two people who stood by each other, held each other's hand and walked together through all the experiences of a lifetime.

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad.

I love you.

Veteran's Day

"A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself. "

Joseph Campbell

My shoulders have carried the weight of small troubles;

Your shoulders have borne the weight of a nation.

My heart has suffered the loss of few;

Your hearts have grieved the loss of many.

My sacrifices seem small, selfish and self serving;

Your sacrifices are selfless, righteous and noble.

Without me, there is no Mother, Daughter, Sister, Wife;

Without you, there is no Freedom, Independence, Choice, Liberty.

I am humbled, indebted and awestruck,

You are deserving of reverence, honor, gratitude and appreciation.

Thank you for being Heroes.

The Passing of Time...

One year ago tomorrow my Father underwent neurosurgery at Georgetown University to reduce the size of a tumor nestled in the frontal lobe of his brain.  I will never forget the feeling of sitting in the surgical waiting room dumping coffee into an already roiling stomach as we waited for the surgeon to tell us how the surgery went.  And I will never forget the words that the man in the black scrubs said that morning. "Glioblastoma Multiforme". Ugly words with even uglier implications.  But that morning we were ready to do battle with the monster, and my Dad put up one hell of a fight.

Grief is supposed to lighten with the passage of time.  But I have found it has just morphed and matured into various and different moments of sorrow; profound moments of absence, dull aching memories and sudden spontaneous tears of sadness. 

We miss you, Dad.

Dear Brittany Renee,

When you were just a little teeny thing with sticky Skittles hands, I loved you.
When you demanded your shoes "TIGHTER!" and I had callouses on my fingers, I loved you.
When you fell asleep on my shoulder because you refused to walk anywhere until you were at least 6, I loved you.
When you denied eating chocolate covered pretzels for breakfast with melted chocolate all over your face, I loved you.
When you asked me if you could have "banilla" ice cream for "berzert", I loved you.
When you batted those brown eyes and couldn't be denied anything you wanted, I loved you.
When you hit your teenage years and rolled those brown eyes and stomped your feet, I loved you.
When you found that very last nerve and kicked it, I loved you.
When you scared me to death learning to drive, I loved you.
When you grew up overnight (it felt like) and it was so very hard not to treat you like a kid, I loved you.
When you went to your 8th grade formal all pretty and grown up, I loved you.
When you walked across the stage and proudly accepted your diploma, I loved you.
When you were hurting and we all said things we regret, I still loved you.

I have always loved you, more than you could ever imagine in a million, trillion, gazillion years.  I have never stopped and since it's been this long, I can't really see any chance of me stopping anytime soon.  I don't know if there will ever be a day that you will fully understand what it is like to love a child, not because they are yours, but because they came to you as a gift with all the baggage, joy, laughter, tears, worry, smiles, triumphs and heartache that comes with them. I can only tell you that through all these years, I wouldn't change you for all the stars in the sky.

♥ Happy Birthday Brittany Renee! ♥

Love you tons and miss you more,

Me

Valleys and Mountains

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters. 

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death;

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

These words are spoken at nearly every funeral service I've been to, in one form or another.  These words are meant to be a source of comfort to those who have lost their loved one.  And for some people, maybe even most, they are.  

We are meant to take solace from these words telling us someone that we love is no longer hurting or in pain. They have been freed from all the terrible things that walking in this human life can bring.  Like Cancer.  Cancer is a wretched, slithering beast that sneaks into our lives and changes us forever in ways we cannot begin to fathom.  Even stories of triumph and victory slaying the beast leave behind the seed of sorrow and trepidation that makes visions of the future hazy, blurred and uncertain.  Cancer is indiscriminate and despicable.  It has no care or thought that the host it has chosen is a Mother, a Father, a Brother or Sister.  It can invade quickly and for a short time, or linger in it's reluctance to surrender.  But I know one thing about Cancer- it has stolen too much from me and mine.

One of my oldest and best friends lost her brother to Cancer this morning.  So while comfort is to be had from knowing that he is no longer suffering, Cancer leaves those who are left behind to bear the massive burden of anguish, sorrow and loss. What about us? The ones left behind? I tried to think of words of comfort for them, but while I still struggle under the weight of my own grief, I cannot.  There are no words.  But I know. I know how heavy your burden is and although mine is great, it has become lighter with time.  So I will take your burden as well, if you let me.  I would take the weight of grief onto my shoulder for all those that I love, it it were only possible, as I know they would do the same for me.

While we shall all walk in the valley in the shadow of death, it is okay to be afraid and to be angry.  You just have to hold out your hand and someone will be there to take it and walk with you to the mountain top.

Be at peace Patrick.

Summer, A Visual Definition

Photo and Responsibility for Creating these Handsome Creatures Credit: Paula

(and Tony, too)