Happy 43rd Anniversary

"Love begins in a moment, grows over time, and lasts for eternity."

I have been incredibly fortunate in my life to have borne witness to what is most likely the greatest love story of my lifetime. Today marks my parent's 43rd wedding anniversary. My parent marriage was truly the most shining example of what the partnership of matrimony should be. Two young people falling in love and nurturing that love into something that blossoms year after year, despite the storms of life.

"True love stories never end."

It has only been seven months since Dad passed away. This is the first time in 48 years that Mom has been without him. I cannot begin to imagine the heaviness of her heart on this day, of them all. But I know that the love they share is truer, stronger and more magnificent than most people could ever even dream about. That kind of love has a buoyancy that rescues a heart from sinking in sorrow.

"I will not love you for the rest of your life, but for the rest of my life."

Yes, I am indeed fortunate to have had front row seats to the greatest love story ever told. There were no epic, sweeping musical numbers, no passionate kisses among crashing waves. Just two people who stood by each other, held each other's hand and walked together through all the experiences of a lifetime.

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad.

I love you.

Veteran's Day

"A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself. "

Joseph Campbell

My shoulders have carried the weight of small troubles;

Your shoulders have borne the weight of a nation.

My heart has suffered the loss of few;

Your hearts have grieved the loss of many.

My sacrifices seem small, selfish and self serving;

Your sacrifices are selfless, righteous and noble.

Without me, there is no Mother, Daughter, Sister, Wife;

Without you, there is no Freedom, Independence, Choice, Liberty.

I am humbled, indebted and awestruck,

You are deserving of reverence, honor, gratitude and appreciation.

Thank you for being Heroes.

The Passing of Time...

One year ago tomorrow my Father underwent neurosurgery at Georgetown University to reduce the size of a tumor nestled in the frontal lobe of his brain.  I will never forget the feeling of sitting in the surgical waiting room dumping coffee into an already roiling stomach as we waited for the surgeon to tell us how the surgery went.  And I will never forget the words that the man in the black scrubs said that morning. "Glioblastoma Multiforme". Ugly words with even uglier implications.  But that morning we were ready to do battle with the monster, and my Dad put up one hell of a fight.

Grief is supposed to lighten with the passage of time.  But I have found it has just morphed and matured into various and different moments of sorrow; profound moments of absence, dull aching memories and sudden spontaneous tears of sadness. 

We miss you, Dad.

Dear Brittany Renee,

When you were just a little teeny thing with sticky Skittles hands, I loved you.
When you demanded your shoes "TIGHTER!" and I had callouses on my fingers, I loved you.
When you fell asleep on my shoulder because you refused to walk anywhere until you were at least 6, I loved you.
When you denied eating chocolate covered pretzels for breakfast with melted chocolate all over your face, I loved you.
When you asked me if you could have "banilla" ice cream for "berzert", I loved you.
When you batted those brown eyes and couldn't be denied anything you wanted, I loved you.
When you hit your teenage years and rolled those brown eyes and stomped your feet, I loved you.
When you found that very last nerve and kicked it, I loved you.
When you scared me to death learning to drive, I loved you.
When you grew up overnight (it felt like) and it was so very hard not to treat you like a kid, I loved you.
When you went to your 8th grade formal all pretty and grown up, I loved you.
When you walked across the stage and proudly accepted your diploma, I loved you.
When you were hurting and we all said things we regret, I still loved you.

I have always loved you, more than you could ever imagine in a million, trillion, gazillion years.  I have never stopped and since it's been this long, I can't really see any chance of me stopping anytime soon.  I don't know if there will ever be a day that you will fully understand what it is like to love a child, not because they are yours, but because they came to you as a gift with all the baggage, joy, laughter, tears, worry, smiles, triumphs and heartache that comes with them. I can only tell you that through all these years, I wouldn't change you for all the stars in the sky.

♥ Happy Birthday Brittany Renee! ♥

Love you tons and miss you more,

Me

Valleys and Mountains

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters. 

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death;

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

These words are spoken at nearly every funeral service I've been to, in one form or another.  These words are meant to be a source of comfort to those who have lost their loved one.  And for some people, maybe even most, they are.  

We are meant to take solace from these words telling us someone that we love is no longer hurting or in pain. They have been freed from all the terrible things that walking in this human life can bring.  Like Cancer.  Cancer is a wretched, slithering beast that sneaks into our lives and changes us forever in ways we cannot begin to fathom.  Even stories of triumph and victory slaying the beast leave behind the seed of sorrow and trepidation that makes visions of the future hazy, blurred and uncertain.  Cancer is indiscriminate and despicable.  It has no care or thought that the host it has chosen is a Mother, a Father, a Brother or Sister.  It can invade quickly and for a short time, or linger in it's reluctance to surrender.  But I know one thing about Cancer- it has stolen too much from me and mine.

One of my oldest and best friends lost her brother to Cancer this morning.  So while comfort is to be had from knowing that he is no longer suffering, Cancer leaves those who are left behind to bear the massive burden of anguish, sorrow and loss. What about us? The ones left behind? I tried to think of words of comfort for them, but while I still struggle under the weight of my own grief, I cannot.  There are no words.  But I know. I know how heavy your burden is and although mine is great, it has become lighter with time.  So I will take your burden as well, if you let me.  I would take the weight of grief onto my shoulder for all those that I love, it it were only possible, as I know they would do the same for me.

While we shall all walk in the valley in the shadow of death, it is okay to be afraid and to be angry.  You just have to hold out your hand and someone will be there to take it and walk with you to the mountain top.

Be at peace Patrick.

Summer, A Visual Definition

Photo and Responsibility for Creating these Handsome Creatures Credit: Paula

(and Tony, too)

Hot Summer Nights... ♪ and my radio ♪

I am sitting on my deck in my Old Lady rocking chair, (a birthday gift from my handsome husband), and enjoying the beautiful, breezy, seemingly stink bug free evening.  Life has become a smudgy, blurred passage of time for me lately, busy avoiding things I should be doing and putting off things until I find myself a rushing, manic, panicking hot mess.  Gearing up to expend the effort to piece together some semblance of organized normalcy, I have granted myself permission to enjoy this gorgeous weather and reflect on some things that make me happy about Summer. So here's my list, in no particular order, including but not limited to...

• Cookouts
• The smell of Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil
• Longer days
• Earlier sunrises
• Spontaneous ice cream runs to Hoffmans
• Relaxed bedtime for Mac so she can hang out with us longer
• Holiday weekends at the cabin with the family
• Anything cooked on the grill
• Driving with the windows down
• Driving with the radio as loud as it will get
• The way the tree in my yard hugs the deck and gives us privacy from the road
• The way aforementioned tree gives shade to the deck
• Drinking coffee early in the morning outside
• Taking the dog bye bye for a ride in Mommy's car
• Beautiful outdoor weddings that remind you how sweet love is
• Strawberries, peaches and watermelon so ripe the juice runs down your hand and onto your arm
• Riding bikes with Mac
• Hanging by the pool with wonderful friends
• Easier commute in the morning
• Tiki torches
• Family birthdays
• Going to the race track
• Summer movie blockbusters (but not in 3D... makes me nauseous)
• How my sunglasses fog up when I leave work and step into the heat outside
• Birds singing
• Flip flops
• Pedicures and pretty toe polish colors
• S'mores

There is so much to love about this season!  Help me out... share a comment with what you love about Summer!

A Graduation, A Birthday, Some Tissues... Oh My!

Tomorrow marks two significant milestones for me. One is that I will witness my beautiful, sweet, brilliant, funny and genuinely remarkable baby girl "graduate" from elementary school.  The other is that tomorrow would have been my Father's 69th birthday.  Both bring me to tears just thinking about them.


I have attempted to prepare myself for these events, but even as I type this, I am reduced to a sniveling snotty mess.  I am not sure why the thought of my baby moving on to middle school has affected me so profoundly.  It is not solely because it means that she is growing up and there's not a danged thing I can do about it.  Don't get me wrong, that bothers me immensely, but that is not the only reason.  But the real reason seems intangible... inexplicable.  Is it because I know that there are challenges and difficultly on the horizon for her? That there are going to be lessons that she will need to learn that I simply cannot teach? Is it because I can no longer fix all the boo boos with a Mommy's kiss?  I do look forward to continuing to watch her grow and develop into a beautiful young woman.  I will always do the most that I can do to give her every opportunity and all the support that she needs to fulfill all of her limitless potential.  When you meet someone, get starry eyed, fall in love and decide to have a baby, no one tells you about this part of being a Mother.  Yes, midnight feedings are hard. Yes, changing diapers is hard.  But no one tells you how hard it is to suddenly turn around and be confronted with pomp and ceremonious proof that your little baby is growing up.

If my Father were here, he would most certainly be sitting with us tomorrow for this graduation from elementary school.  He would clap and smile and be just as proud as any Grandfather in that crowd could be.  And he would say that watching it would be a wonderful birthday present.  I miss him tremendously.  There is still a vast chasm of grief and sadness at his loss.  There are not many moments of the day that are not tinted with the color of that sorrow.  I wish that he were still here to celebrate his birthday.  I would make him fettuccine alfredo, Mom would make a cake, the kids would decorate it and light the candles.  He would blow them out and probably wish for something selfless and for his family.  We would stand in the car port and watch the babies run back and forth and remark at how amazing they are and he would scoop them each up and give them kisses and try to make them laugh.  And they would.  And I would give anything in the world to be able to hear that sound tomorrow.  Because birthdays around here are about family.  So tomorrow instead of all that, our family with gather in the chapel where Dad's ashes are kept safe and we will wish him a very, very Happy Birthday.

I will blow a candle out tomorrow in honor of my Dad's birthday and hope all his wishes for our family come true, starting with a certain baby girl's fifth grade graduation.

These Girls...

Smells and Sunsets

Yesterday on my drive home, I passed a landscape supply company and the earthy, rich smell of wood chips and mulch reminded me of Dad.  It was like a punch in the stomach and it took me the rest of my ride home to recover.

Then after dinner my daughter and I went for a bike ride on a path along a little stream not far from my house.  As I was pedaling on the footbridge that crosses the stream, I saw the sunset reflected on the water, and I knew that Dad was with me.

Happy Mother's Day

A Sonnet for My Incomparable Mother  I often contemplate my childhood, Mom.
I am a mother now, and so I know
Hard work is mixed together with the fun;
You learned that when you raised me long ago. I think of all the things you gave to me:
Sacrifice, devotion, love and tears,
Your heart, your mind, your energy and soul--
All these you spent on me throughout the years. You loved me with a never-failing love
You gave me strength and sweet security,
And then you did the hardest thing of all:
You let me separate and set me free. Every day, I try my best to be
A mother like the mom you were to me. By Joanna Fuchs

As I lounge in bed sipping coffee and nibbling breakfast pastries with my baby beside me, I am reflecting on Motherhood.  My Mother was the most incredible example for me.  She is patient, generous, loving, strong, capable, caring, and all the words in the world that equal the feeling you get from a warm hug from your Mom.  I love my Mother for all the gifts that she has given and all the lessons that she has taught me in my life.  I know that letting me live my life and make my own mistakes was so hard for her, but being the Mother that she is, she let me.  Then when it was time, she was always there to pick me up, dust me off and help me find the right way.  As a Mother now, I know that I have a lot of hard work ahead of me, but I am so thankful and grateful that I have my Mother beside me to help me along the way.

I love you, Mom. 

Okay... So Now What?

As I sit in the warm Spring sunshine on my deck this morning I realize it is quiet, beautiful and the day is full of promise.  Naturally, I have been thinking about the loss of my Father, and how much of an adjustment it has been.  But not in the big, obvious, "my Father passed away" ways, but in the small, subtle ways that I never thought of before.  The way that I have to carefully change my words when I talk to my Mom and ask her if she lost power during the storms, instead of "did you guys" lose power.  The way that a picture in my living room catches my eye and I realize that I will never see that sideways glance my Dad gave us when someone was saying something he thought was a little crazy.

So now what?  All the out of town guests are gone, the services and ceremony are over, the food is consumed, and life is supposed to go back to "normal".  But it's not normal.  It's very, very different.  I know that I am not the only person to have ever lost a parent, but I am having trouble figuring out what the new "normal" is.  I feel like all of us are smothering my Mother, because this has to be indescribably difficult for her.  But part of that is our way of coping also.  It is not that we feel her incapable of doing things for herself, my Mother is the single most capable woman that I know.  But if we can do something around the house to make the absence of Dad easier, that is what we do.  I have never, ever cut the grass at my own house, but I find myself being more than willing to do so at hers, although my brother seems to have that completely under control... (Except, now that I think about it, I don't think he cuts his own his grass, either!)

The next two months, in particular, will be very hard for us.  Mother's Day, my birthday, Father's Day and his birthday are coming up.  His loss will be profound during these times.  I knew, but never comprehended, what a monumentally huge part of my life my Father's presence was.  I think of him so often and see him everywhere I look. I know that he, his influence in my life, and me as a person will be felt always.  I just hope that it doesn't ache like this forever.

Writer's Block

The next two days will probably be the hardest two days of my life so far.  I have had a couple days to get ready, but I could not feel more unprepared.  Really... how does one prepare to say their final goodbyes to a parent?

My Mom asked me to write down some things about Dad to give to the Chaplin performing his funeral service so that he will know what kind of man Dad was.  I have been sitting here thinking and I am having a lot of trouble completing this task.  Not because I am unable to come up with many, many wonderful reasons that my Father was a tremendous man, but because I cannot come up with the right words to properly express what I want to say.  The words just don't say enough... they just don't seem adequate, there are no words big enough to relay to someone who did not know Dad personally what a great man he was.  It is a rare moment when I am at a loss of words, but that is where I find myself right now.

I wish you were here, Dad, to tell me that the words don't matter.  That anyone who knew you already knows that there are no words to describe you.  You were amazing.  And I miss you.

June 15, 1942 - April 11, 2011

A lifetime. My Father's lifetime. Today, my Family stood surrounding my Father and watched as he slipped quietly into eternal rest.  I am at peace with it because I know that he is now at peace and there will be no more suffering for him.

I held his hand, and remembered the times he held mine.  I remembered all the things he built with those hands and the gentle care they took of my Mother when she was sick, and my baby when she was small.  I touched his feet, and remembered all the miles he has walked.  I remembered the steps those feet took in rhythm with mine as he walked me down the aisle on my wedding day.  I touched his legs, once muscular and powerful, and remembered the ladders he climbed to fix things, or to retrieve a wayward basketball stuck on the roof.  I touched his arms, and remembered how they hugged me every time I saw him.  I remembered how he would cross them across his chest when he was standing and getting ready to tell a long story.  I touched his face and remembered all the smiles and laughter that seemed always present when he was around.  I touched his chest, that held the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known.  The heart that held all that is good and meaningful in the world and that overflowed with love for his Wife, his Children, his Grandchildren, his Family and his Friends.

My Father's lifetime did not end today.  He will live on for many more lifetimes because a man like my Father will never truly die- he lives on in us.  In every hand we hold, every decision we make, every hug we give our children, every smile and every step we take. 

Rest peacefully now, Dad.  I love you.

André Paré

June 15, 1942 - April 11, 2011

Driving Ms. Crazy

I like driving. Alone. All by myself.  I like listening to the music I like and singing along at the top of my lungs in traffic.  I also enjoy having quiet time alone with my thoughts to reflect.  On Monday, I had some of that quiet time driving down to Georgetown to see Dad.  From my house it takes about 90 minutes one way if there isn't any traffic.  That's about 3 hours for me to think, play the drums on my steering wheel, change CDs and sing to strangers at stop lights.  Here is a peek into my brain at some of my thoughts and reflections on the last 6 months.

• I do not understand the need people feel to jam on their brakes on 270 when they see a cop on the far side of the opposite lanes of traffic with someone already pulled over on the shoulder.  He doesn't care about you. He's already busy.  He's not going to sprint across 8 lanes of traffic to get your plate number and issue you a ticket.  Just go already.
• I really need to get a new battery for my XM radio remote control.
• For a state of the art, wickedly expensive medical university, it seems incredibly stupid to me that Georgetown only has one MRI machine.  During the day they use it for outpatient imaging and then at night, all hours of night, the inpatients get to take a turn.  Damned inconvenient if you're trying to sleep.  And guess what else? Their MRI machine cannot accommodate obese people.  If you don't fit in the machine, they ship you to... guess where!  The National Zoo. Yep, that's right. The Zoo.  As in Elephants, Pandas and Gazelles, oh my!
• I had no inkling of an clue how much my family's life was going to change on September 17, 2010.  How one phone call and seven little words devastatingly whispered by my mother would flip everything around.  I would have liked to have been more prepared... but I can't see how anything can prepare you to hear "Dad has a mass in his brain".
• My husband does not kiss me nearly enough.
• What am I going to make for dinner?  I am in a serious rut in this regard.  I used to do all this meal planning and knew what was for dinner 2 weeks in advance.  I just can't seem to get it together lately with that and end up throwing anything together I can manage.  It's getting pretty monotonous and repetitive.  Maybe that's why my husband doesn't kiss me. He doesn't like what was for dinner! Hmmm.
• I really need to clean the inside of my windows.  Hines is a window licker.
• Even though I complain and have a hard time adjusting to daylight savings time, I really do like it when it is still light out for a while once I get home from work.  But DST is just such an odd concept.  And what happens when you live in an area that doesn't observe it and work in an area that does?  Do you feel like Marty McFly when you arrive for work an hour earlier than you left home?  Do flux capacitors come standard on cars sold in that area?
• I love love love love love my Adidas sneakers.
• When I blow my nose sometimes, air comes out of my eye.  Only on the left side.  There is a connection between your maxillary sinus and your tear ducts which has a valve in it.  Since having this nasty sinus infection from hell, I discovered that when your sinuses are too full and there is too much pressure, that valve can get blocked open and snot can come out of your eye.  You can't make this stuff up, people.  It is really disgusting and rather alarming.
• Danny Elfman has scored a ridiculous amount of movies.  But Howard Shore is still my favorite.
• People really need to use blinkers more consistently and more effectively.
• Montgomery County changes more every time I go through there.  Now there is some fancy schmancy toll road connecting the county.  I haven't tried it out yet, but it's on the bucket list.
• One day I am going to Georgetown and actually see more than the inside of the hospital.  Maddie thought that the University looked like Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry when you approach from the Key Bridge.  I kinda wish it were, so they could brew a potion or cast a spell and make Dad better again.
• I used to have floor mats in my car, but I have no idea where they are, or what happened to them.
• I really need to burn my Ultimate Rock CD Volume Six featuring songs from Stryper circa 1986 and Megadeth circa 1992.

Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to let you peek... even I am a little disturbed... but I have already typed all this and I'd hate to not share.  Inquiring minds want to know.  Well, they thought they wanted to know, but turns out they wish they didn't now.  Anywho, maybe someone can tell me what happened to my floor mats!

Sick! AGAIN?!

I hate being sick.  In addition to it sucking big time, it keeps me from being able to spend time with my Dad.  I almost never get sick! But this winter, I have had the same freakin' cold four times!  This time it coincides with my Dad being inpatient at Georgetown since last Sunday.  We have to find an inpatient rehab facility to transfer him to, and it is BEYOND frustrating that I can't be at the hospital talking with the case worker personally.  GAH!  I started an antibiotic so hopefully by Monday I will be cleared to get down there and help get this business settled!

Busy Bee Beasleys and Nephews

It's been one heck of a busy couple of weeks for us here in the Beasley household. Concerts, rehearsals, classes, MSAs, a death in my family, helping out Dad, and just regular old family life. 

This week, we had my 15 year old nephew Andrew staying with us.  I just have to say, I really enjoyed him being here.  Usually when I see him, the rest of our families are together and everyone is being sassy and sarcastic.  Beasley Family Functions are barrels of fun!  But this week I got to spend some one on one time with him as I drove him to school in the morning and on the way home in the evening.  I gotta say... it was very enlightening and I enjoyed his company very much!  He is a sweet, thoughtful kid. I am still a little shocked at how one day he was a skinny little kid and now he's got a manly voice I can't recognize on the phone as his.  He can stay with us any time!


Then Friday night, I picked up my almost 15 month old nephews and had them all weekend. I look forward to their time here so much and just LOVE seeing all the new things that they are doing now.  They are so charming and sweet and such good babies!  They never give Aunt Julie a hard time.  Since there are two of them, I have to say, I would NEVER be able to have them without the help of Maddie.  She is such a wonderful helper! She is going to make a fabulous babysitter in a few years and a great Mommy someday.  She is very patient and even put on a great little play for them this morning to occupy them while I did the breakfast dishes.  Having the boys gives me my baby fix for a while and I look forward to having them again for a weekend in July.

I joked with everyone that I only needed my nephew Nicholas here and I would have all my nephews under one roof with me.  I don't know if my little house could handle it, since it felt like it might burst at the seams with all the gear the twins have!  But I do look forward to having Nicholas over soon.  He and Maddie get along so well and I am afraid that if I turn around, Nicholas will be calling me and I won't recognize his newly manly voice!!  Don't do it, Nicholas... don't grow up! :)

On a personal note, I would like to express my appreciation and gratitude to my brother, Bob, for traveling to Canada to represent our family to mourn the death of our Uncle Jean-Guy.  It could not have been easy, mon oncle was his God Father, and he drove all the way up and back in essentially 2 1/2 days.  Dad has taken his passing very hard and was unable to travel.  We are very fortunate that ma tante Anita and mon oncle Jean-Guy came to visit in the summer and then came to visit and help with Dad this Fall when he started chemo and radiation.

I better get myself to bed, as this stupid time change garbage will have me all jacked up for weeks until I adjust and we have busy weeks still ahead.  I'm gonna need a lot of coffee for this. A Lot.

Haiku

 

Sit in silent house

Waiting for Father to stir

Come Spring. Cancer Leave!

Dot Dot Dot

Hello. My name is Julie, and I am an ellipsis abuser.

Ellipsis (plural ellipses; from the Greek: ἔλλειψις, élleipsis, "omission") is a mark or series of marks that usually indicate an intentional omission of a word in the original text. An ellipsis can also be used to indicate a pause in speech, an unfinished thought, or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence (aposiopesis). When placed at the end of a sentence, the ellipsis can also inspire a feeling of melancholy longing. The ellipsis calls for a slight pause in speech.

The most common form of an ellipsis is a row of three periods or full stops (...) or pre-composed triple-dot glyph (…). The usage of the em dash (—) can overlap the usage of the ellipsis.

The triple-dot punctuation mark is also called a suspension point, points of ellipsis, periods of ellipsis, or colloquially, dot-dot-dot.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right?  *Breathes Deeply * I use ellipses with regularity.  I am a wee bit of a grammar nerd and when I use the ol' dot dot dot, I can't help but cringe a little inside for it's overuse.  There! I said it! Whew... I feel much better!

...back to your regularly scheduled program.

What's in a Name?

For some reason my daughter and her friends decided recently that they would all begin calling each other by their middle names, or some variation thereof.  I am particularly fond of my daughter's name, as she is the namesake of my mother and maternal grandmother.  There was a tremendous amount of thought and research that went into naming her.  If you have ever had the daunting task of naming a child, you know that of which I speak.  We did not tell anyone what her name was going to be until she was actually born, even though we had decided months before the joyous day.  Mainly because I wanted it to be a special moment and an opportunity to pay homage to the woman that supplied me with my own name and helped shape me into who I am today.  But partly because I was nervous... what if we looked at her and she just didn't seem like a Madalyn?  What if it just didn't fit?  How you could tell what fits by looking at a red, squirmy, toothless bundle I have no idea.  But you're just supposed to know.

But does your name have a part  in shaping who you are as a person?  Would you turn out slightly different if your name were Barbara instead of Louise?  What if I screwed my kid up because I named her something that didn't fit her destiny?! Oh, so much pressure!!  What if her sixth grade teacher had a problem with a Maddie in her past and so therefore places some personal stigma on all Maddies in the future?  And what if, in the influential age of sixth grade, that causes My Maddie to have self esteem issues, or some other kind of problem?  Oh, geeze... now I've really done it...  That wouldn't have happened if her name was Elizabeth!

Then there is the issue of a name's ease of use as an adult.  It's all fun and games for a Maddie when she's 10, but what about when she's 25 and coming out of college (looking for a job while she works on a masters degree).  What kind of feelings would a future employer have about hiring an attorney named Madalyn with a "y".  Is it professional enough?  Maddie told me, during this foray into middle name usage with her friends, that she thought that in her professional life she might consider using her middle name and going by M. Cécile.  Now that sounds hoity toity to even me, her mother!

The other issue I have with names is that no one around our house gets called their actual given name.  Even the dog gets called a million different names.  I doubt that he'll ever actually learn what his name really is now.  Maddie gets call Mac, Tater, Boo Boo, Stinky Pants, Stink, Tater Biscuit Lollipop, Macaroni... the list goes on forever.  My husband calls me Lady Friend.  I won't get into what he gets called.  But why do we give nicknames to people? Sometimes they fit, but sometimes there is such a complicated back story that you never really know why you call that guy over there "Slim".  (Which fit in that particular case, by the way)

I know a lot of people out here who are pregnant or recently had a child and I would be interested to hear the names you've picked and why.  And then what you actually end up calling them after they've been here for a while...

Just as a side note for my own entertainment... in my line of work, I spend a LOT of time on the phone with insurance companies.  This involves a lot of required documentation for parties on both ends of the phone call.  When a rep asks my name for documentation purposes and they seem rude or short with me (or it's Friday and I'm in a good mood) I tell them that my name is Juliejuliefofuliefeefifofulie.  And then I spell it for them. :)

Daddy's Hands

That was the song that played during the Father/Daughter dance at my wedding.  I knew that it was going to be the song we would dance to since I was 12 years old.  I hadn't even dreamed of the man I was going to marry, how old I would be, where I would be living or what I would be doing for a living when it happened.  But I knew that was going to be The Song.  To this day every single time I hear it, I cry.  It has so much meaning to me. When I was an awkward pre-teen and couldn't put feelings into words, when I couldn't tell him that even if I didn't ask for piggy back rides anymore or hold his hand in public, I still loved my Daddy- that song said it for me.  I remember riding to the cabin on Summer Friday nights and singing along with it on the radio.

My Dad's hands could do anything in this world he wanted them to.  He built a home, made a living, raised a family giving comfort, love and discipline with those hands.  Even a years old injury that caused his right hand to be partially paralyzed didn't stop him from accomplishing amazing things with his hands. He has fixed cars, cut down trees, built decks, and installed toilets and sinks with those hands.  He built dressing tables for his grandchildren when they were born.  Those hands have held them safely and cherished them.  Those hands held mine as he walked me down the aisle to give me away on my wedding day.  We were both nervous as hell and shaking like leaves!

I recently saw my Dad's hands and I cannot shake the image from my mind.  The treatment for his brain cancer has changed them.  The tan, strong hands that I know to be my Father's are now pale and bony.  They shake when he tries to do simple tasks.  Cancer has robbed him of the ability to work with them, to keep them strong and supple.  Of all the things that he has gone through and all the changes that this cancer has caused in him, I am most profoundly affected by his hands.  I pray every day and every night that this change is merely temporary- a side effect of the chemotherapy and the medications.  I pray every day and every night that he will soon be able to return to the things that I know he longs so much to do, like work in his workshop in the shed and cut the grass.  I pray fervently that very soon, his hands will return to the hands that I remember and treasure.  I pray that the image I cannot seem to come to terms with in my mind will be a memory, and he will be vigorous and healthy again.

I pray and I hope because just as sure as I knew the song that would play during the Father/Daughter dance at my wedding, I know that it is all in God's hands.  Then I pray more.

It's Saturday Night and The Feeling's Right

There are many things that I have learned to appreciate in the last year... my health, the health of the ones that I care about, my family, my friends, a warm home and I could go on and on.  However, today is the once a month "Friend's Theme Dinner" and I have ice cream to make and pineapple to grill.

Last year, a high school classmate and friend passed away very suddenly.  It was a shock to all of us, a tragedy to be sure.  After the service, a small group of close high school friends went to lunch together.  In spite of the sad reason for the gathering, we had a great time and we all remarked that it was indeed a tragedy that it took something like the death of a friend to get us to take the time from our lives to be together.  That afternoon we vowed that we would get together with our families once a month no matter what.  Each of us would rotate hosting at our houses and everyone would bring a dish so that all the work didn't fall on the hostess.  To make it fun and interesting, we agreed that the hostess would decide the "theme" and everyone's dishes had to follow the theme.

I am so happy to report that we have maintained the monthly dinner since then, (with once small exception), and it has been a rousing success!  We have had an Italian night, a Mexican fiesta, a Summer cookout, an appetizer extravaganza and many more fun themes!  More than enjoying the wonderful food, I personally have cherished the time spent with the best of friends.  It is a delight to see our children playing together and even our husbands have begun having their own playdates together! ;)

Life has taught me many lessons these past months and I don't know what the future holds for any of us.  But I hope that we continue this tradition into our dotages.  These days I appreciate those close to me more and more, and I know that they are there to support me and help me through whatever may come.  I hope they are just as confident that I am here for them, too.

Uhhhh, the ice cream maker just stopped, so I better get on it! Have a great weekend everyone! :)

Staycation

So, this past week, I took a few days off while my bosses went to a conference in Hawaii.  I looked forward to the time off and had planned lots and lots of productive things to accomplish while at home.  But here it is, Saturday and I have only three more days before I have to go back to work, and I have accomplished almost nothing of what was on my mental to-do list. The following is a list of things I DID do in an effort to feel okay about what I did not do.

• Painted my nails
• Laundry
• Drove to Georgetown to visit my Dad while he stayed a couple of days
• Showed Maddie a little of Georgetown because of all the time I have spent there, I realized that it was her first time ever there. She said that the cathedral at G-town looked like Hogwarts when we were coming across the Key Bridge.
• Dropped off Mac at school in my pjs (when she had it!)
• Picked her up at school (when she had it)
• Went to the grocery store
• Spent some time at the MVA
• Visited Wally World
• Tweeted to make the Twerrible Towel spin
• Wore the same pajama pants for three days (I know, I know... it's gross)
• Read what seems like every blog on the internet
• Mastered some Mahjong skills
• Straightened out an issue with Delta about Mac's orthodontic claim
• Shaved my legs
• Considered coloring my hair, and even bought the color while at Wally World
• Did the dishes a ZILLION times
• Went to Nicholas' 9th Birthday party and had an excellent time with my family
• Went to church
• Adopted a wonderful new dog from the pound
• Played Bubble Buster on my Android phone 
• Did not care in the least what the weather report was
• Made a list on the fridge white board of things I need to do and/or buy for the house
• Ignored the list above
• Made the following items for my family's enjoyment:
• spaghetti sauce with meatballs
• chocolate cake
• Famous Dave's corn muffins
• big ol' pot of chili
• Auntie Anne's pretzels
• banana pudding
• cinnamon raisin bread (which didn't turn out that great)
• fresh baked white bread
• french toast

 OH MY GOODNESS! No wonder I did not accomplish anything on my staycation! Look at how busy I was!  What the heck?!  Well, I feel so much better about the whole thing now! As much as I'd love to continue chronically my amazement at the amazing things I've done this week, I really do have some things I need to do.... right after I check ICanHasCheezburger.com.

The Pittsburgh Steelers

...are going to the Super Bowl.

Thank you, that will be all.

Goodbye Sweet Tessie-Lou

Tribute to a Best Friend

Sunlight streams through window pane onto a spot on the floor.....
then I remember,

it's where you used to lie, but now you are no more.

Our feet walk down a hall of carpet, and muted echoes sound.....
then I remember,

it's where your paws would joyously abound.

A voice is heard along the road, and up beyond the hill,
then I remember,

it can't be yours..... your golden voice is still.

But I'll take that vacant spot of floor and empty muted hall,
and lay them with the absent voice and unused dish along the wall.

I'll wrap these treasured memories in a blanket of my love,
and keep them for my best friend until we meet above.

Author Unknown

Last night, we had to say goodbye to our beloved American Bulldog, Tess.  It was a million times harder than I could have ever imagined it would be.  It happened quickly and we were definitely not prepared, but it was the only decision we could make for her.  Without doing a biopsy, which would have involved an invasive endoscopy procedure under general anesthesia, we cannot be 100% certain, but all clinical indicators and her very rapid decline point to canine nasal adenocarcinoma.  Unfortunately, even if we put her through all the testing money could buy, there is nothing that could have changed the outcome.  We did not want her to suffer any longer knowing this, so we made the very difficult decision to let her go.  We were able to spend time with her and I laid on the floor with her, rubbed her soft ears, looked into her beautiful brown eyes and told her what a good, good, good girl she was and how much we would miss her.

When I first saw Tess at the Humane Society, I never imagined what an imprint she would make on our family and in our hearts.  I can not imagine how anyone could have given up this sweet, quiet, loving girl.  I am happy that we were able to give her a warm home, pets, scratches, treats and love for the last years of her life.  We will hold the memory of these years in our hearts forever.  Our home will be emptier without her.  She gave us so much more than we can ever have given her, unconditional love.  Most of all, I think I will miss going bye bye for a ride in Mommy's car.

You were a good girl Tess and we will miss you immensely.